Musings on a Monday Afternoon: What I’ve Lost, What I Cling To

I recently turned an age where I thought, at sixteen, I’d have it All Figured Out. I believed I’d have an amazing successful career by now—as an actress and a novelist. I thought I’d have found my soulmate and would be settled down by now, preferably in a rambling old fixer-upper of a chateau in France. None of these things have happened.

I think of myself as someone who hasn’t changed much. I still want the same things I’ve wanted since I was five. But in some ways, my childhood self might not recognize herself in me now.

These are the things I’ve let go of:

1. The idea of never settling. No relationship is perfect. No matter how amazing yours is, you will always be settling for something.

2. The idea of being famous. I don’t think I want to be famous. I think I would hate my life.

3. The dream of being a really well-known actress. See above.

4. The conviction that I can ever have put-together, done-looking hair. I am done getting into arm-wrestling matches with a curling iron or a blow dryer. I never win.

5. The idea that I will ever be part of any kind of artistic in-crowd. For the following reasons: a. No discernible fashion sense. b. Zero ability to project that intangible "cool" factor. c. Serious lack of aptitude for putting together a credible bohemian-sexy outfit involving leggings. Leggings as a clothing staple go right over my head. (Yes, mostly it has to do with clothes.)

6. The idea that sex needs to be like sex in a romance novel. It took me a looong time to get over that one. When I did, I started having better sex.

7. The search for the perfect black suede boot I saw in a Banana Republic once for $280, years ago. I told myself I would buy them on sale. I never saw them again. I’ve been settling, boot-wise, ever since.

8. The idea that success is something defined by others. I may never be a famous actress. I’m not sure I want to be. But if I’m doing fun projects, work I’m proud of, and I actually get paid for it—that looks a lot like success to me.

9. The idea that I have to impress anyone with my reading list. I have a lot of guilty pleasures, and I embrace them with wanton, loose-bodiced abandon. Also, the fact that I have a reading list is pretty impressive in this day and age, sadly enough.

10. The idea that I need to change. The people who matter love me for who I am.

These are the things I still believe in:

1. Flossing. Every day. 

2. Someday I can have a career as a novelist. And that the publishing industry will be in some shape to support my career as a novelist when I finally get my act together, no matter how ugly it is out there. 

3. Being myself, always. Even when it’s not the easiest thing to be. See No. 10 on the previous list.

4. No matter how much of a mess I am, a good manicure and pedicure can make me feel about 80% more put together.

5. Great shoes will take care of a large part of the remaining 20%.

6. A book and a bubble bath can cure all kinds of ills.

7. The world is a warmer place when you’re swathed in fleece. Seriously, if you’re expecting bad news, wear fleece socks. It'll take the edge off.

8. I can change, if I choose to, even if I don’t need to. 

What have you lost? What do you cling to?