I bought a treadmill

Today I bought a treadmill.

Well, I ordered one from Amazon. I'm not sure exactly when it will arrive. It's pink and collapsible which is a must for our flat. We just don't have the space for a big, bulky piece of exercise equipment.

I have been meaning to buy a treadmill since January. I've put it off with some rather lame excuses:  it's kind of expensive or one of us will have to be home all day waiting for it. To finally, my favorite excuse: I don't need a treadmill I could go swimming and walk around the block.

Now, I could, and should do both of those things. Especially the swimming as it's not weather dependent (indoor pool) but I've been saying that for years. Literally years. And so far . . . with the brief fluttering moments of 'running' that I try to take up every spring (pretty much as soon as the clocks go ahead I think-- YES! I will start running) I've failed.

I could give you all the excuses I've given myself over the years. The exhaustion. The getting home too late. The not being able to get up early. They are all GOOD excuses. But in the end, that's all they are, excuses.

The thing I don't talk about a lot is that I'm scared. I'm scared of how out of shape I am. I'm afraid to join a gym. To exercise in public. I have friends who love exercise and gyms. Who swear by the virtues of a good work out. I'm sure they are right.

I'm also sure many of my friends haven't had the hurdle I have to tackle. I need to lose a significant amount of weight. Not a few pounds. Not a stone. Not a little belly filled with extra cookies. It's not something I want to talk about. A few times I've brought it up and people have been . . . let's say less than understanding. And it's fine. I mean it's not fine, but it is what it is. It's also why I've been very quiet about this topic.

Once upon a time I was a competitive swimmer. I loved the smell of chlorine. I thought nothing of getting in the pool and swimming for hours. The idea of getting in a public pool freaks the hell of out me. What if people see me? All of me. OMG. It's the real reason I don't go swimming at the pool around the block from my job. What if my coworkers went there? What if they saw me? What if they judged me?

I am sure that's a natural feeling for most people. But, I never used to feel that way before. I didn't care if people saw me or judged me, I knew, knew that in the pool I was a force to be reckoned with. Now, I just don't feel that way. I feel . . .embarrassed.

I've never been super slim. I'm sure once I'm done getting in shape I won't be super slim. I don't think it's how I'm built. But before the past few months I've never felt unhealthy. I feel unhealthy now. All the time. I don't like that feeling.

So, I ordered a treadmill. I found a diet I like. And I've got a plan. I'm not going to say too much about it on here because I'm not ready to share my plan. But, in the spirit of sending things out into the universe I thought I'd create a post that dealt a little with with how I feel about this new venture.

I can get on my soapbox. I can tell you how when someone who is slender or slim tells me that he/she needs to lose weight my brain breaks a little. When someone is pregnant and she moans about how big she is getting and I realize she is still significantly smaller then me I die a little inside. I am carrying around more weight than someone who is growing a new life inside of her! I've actually had a few moments this past year where I've gone into the bathroom and sobbed over this fact.

Sobbing doesn't help. I can't change the way other people are going to behave. I can't change the thoughtless comments that people make. Maybe it's because they don't think I have a particular sensitivity to my weight or maybe it's because they aren't thinking. It happens. Part of this is my issue and part of it is theirs. The only thing I have any power over is how I feel about myself. If I'm not happy, that's my issue.

A few years ago I wrote a post on another blog about rhinos never becoming unicorns. It was a metaphor for this image:

I still firmly believe that there are no such thing as unicorns. That aspiring to become the super-model of horses is a stupid pursuit for a rhino. Because rhinos are all kinds of awesome. Rhinos are the only real one horned horse-like creature in the world. They have flaws. They have faults, but I would much rather be a fighting-fit rhino then spend the rest of my life trying to force myself into an image that is impossible to obtain. I'd rather be healthy, even if I'm not slim, and happy.

I guess that's where I'm actually going with this blog post. (Wow, that was a roundabout way to get here). This year, I finally sent off my manuscript to agents. I finally felt that I had something good enough to share. And I did. I'm confident of this now. I did the ass in the chair writing method. Over and over again.

Now, it's time to get the ass out of the chair. I know how get a novel written. Now, it's time to get healthy again. It's time to be confident enough to get back in the pool. To get on the treadmill and run.

Because, when the zombie apocalypse does come I don't have to be the fastest survivor out there, I just have to run faster than the person next to me. Let's hope it's not one of those amazing sprinters.

Wish me luck! xoxo