Goodbye, 2012

I adore New Years resolutions.

I love thinking ahead, deciding on what I want to accomplish for the year, and breaking those big goals down into smaller, more action-able steps that can make them happen. I love assessing my life in the past year and deciding how to shake things up in the year to come. Goals give me a sense of purpose and excitement.

And I know New Years is an artificial construct. But I still love that sense of another chance. Last year’s failures can stay in last year. Now it’s time for a brand new, sparkly-clean new year—and all the successes that may come.

Last year, my dear friends Angel and Genn and I all got together and made up our big, audacious list of goals for 2012. I was just looking over mine. Here’s a glance at my old list from last year, and how I did.

1. Get my novel agent-ready by the end of 2012. If I look at it one way, this was a pretty big failure. My novel isn’t agent-ready yet. To be fair, though, I only had the first draft about a third of the way finished by the end of last year—and this was a bigger task than I planned. It always is. What I do have is about sixty pages that I’m really happy with—I’m finally learning how to edit in a way that makes huge improvements over my crappy first drafts. (My first drafts are so crappy it’s legendary.) So I’ll have to roll this goal over to 2013.

2. Write a song on my guitar by the end of this year. I took a few guitar lessons, but I didn’t write a song. My guitar hasn’t seen a lot of action in the past few months, unfortunately. Fail on this one.

3. Get my acting career going. Here’s where I had some success this year. I did a ton. New headshots, new commercial print portfolio, new commercial and dramatic acting reels, new website. Also! I was on Celebrity Ghost Stories, played a lesbian with OCD in a student film, and did some modeling. There’s still a lot more work to do in this area, but things are finally, finally moving.

4. Get on a salsa dance team. Fail on this one. But I’m taking private lessons to get in touch with my inner salsa vixen. Getting in touch with my inner vixen was apparently an important goal last year.

5. Read one nonfiction book per month. I’m pretty sure I failed at this one. I kind of stopped counting. But I did read a lot this year. One of my favorites for the year was Iced by Karen Marie Moning.

6. Do Nano 2012. Fail on this one too. This was actually the first year in a few that I haven’t done Nano. I may not do it next year, either. The thing is, I have steaming-pile-of-poo drafts from several consecutive Nano’s clogging up my hard drive—I need to get those in agent shape before I start something new.

7. Submit to 10 poetry magazines by the end of the year. Get one chapbook ready by the end of the year. Make finals in a slam competition. Poetry is like church to me. I feel a deep, almost spiritual satisfaction from writing it and reading it. But I don’t get to church that often these days, unfortunately. I keep trying things to jumpstart my involvement in poetry—none of these worked. I didn’t do any, although I did write a small handful of new poems.

8. Go to one French meetup per month. I actually didn’t do so badly here—I went to seven all year. But I also traveled to France twice. That’s got to count for like, five more, right?

9. Go to seven knitting group meetups per year. I went to four. So that was a fail. But the underlying purpose here was to widen my friend base in New York. And I’ve done that. I feel much more stable and secure in my friendships here this year than I did last year. So indirect win.

 So to recap my year. The most important goals to me were acting and noveling. Acting saw a lot of success, and so did noveling—although it’s not progressing as quickly as I’d like. As for the smaller goals, I’m still not fluent in French. I’m still not poet-laureate material, and I still can’t play the guitar. But that’s what 2013 is for. 

December 24th

Merry Christmas Eve (if you so celebrate)! Happy belated Solstice or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Festivus and early Annuum, if not.

On a grimmer subject: did you survive The End?

From what I understand, also a good beer...

I remember years ago now (back in the ancient history of the fall of 1999) taking a Millennialist Literature class. It was a lark. The teacher was light hearted, most of the students were light hearted, and we all had the same grim sense of humor. I knew we were all going to get along just fine when I realized the professor not only matched his sweater-vest to his converse sneakers and had drawn the seven-headed beast of Revelations with his own caricature (as the heads) on the chalkboard, but was wearing a striped and spotted tie: red stripes, white skulls. I was wearing a Fin Du Monde t-shirt I’d gotten that summer at a local pub. We laughed, we cried. We scared ourselves silly. Good times.

Thank you, Wikipedia

People seriously were afraid the world was coming to an end when the Julian calendar passed the 2k mark. Whether it was computers crashing, all hell breaking loose, Armageddon and Revelations, everyone had different ideas about what was going to happen. We read books about it, we read the literature that informed it. It was a really fun and thought-provoking class. And we took it with humor because, let’s face it, if you don’t, it can be pretty downer stuff to read about: how people perceive the world might end. Human cultures have been obsessed with beginnings and endings and apocalypses for as long as there have been definable human cultures. Longer, even, I’d bet if we could still talk to our neo-human ancestors. We talked about that, too. That prophecies and major natural and unnatural events all become part of concerns that somehow we won’t continue on. Comets and eclipses were bad omens that were signs of the deaths of kings and nations -- often self fulfilling prophecies, when the peasants rose up and killed them (like during one of Halley’s comet’s early recorded sightings in the 1400s depicted in tapestry, or the more recent Heaven’s Gate folks that decided to hitch a ride on Hale-Bopp, or the Holy Roman Emperor that keeled over and died of fright during an eclipse).

I bring this up because one of the more recent theories about what the Mayan end date was about was crossing the Galactic equator. Yeah. Like the equator of the Milky Way. Somehow, according to that guy, it coincides with the solstice and the end comes when the poles shift. Never mind that the Earth's poles have shifted HUNDREDS of times since humans first started roaming the earth. It's not unique to a single period in our geological history nor our species history. Go look at the USGS. Or NOAA (here too). Or PBS. Or NASA.

And you can see, even though we (most of us, anyway) lived and the world kept spinning, fear of the world coming to an end continued past the days of Y2K (just like it went past the Middle Ages, The Fall of Rome, and the end of the first Star Trek Series) in movies and books about aliens coming in and destroying everything, to the summer of killer comet/asteroid flicks, mega volcanoes, and climate changes. The Zombiepocalypse. Fears of nuclear war and nuclear winter carried over from the 50s. Revolution and evolution of society. Dystopian futures.

We find portents to fear in everything, from long-lost comets to rumbles in the earth, to more human-bound and inexpertly understood cultural leavings. And what we don’t understand or can’t control we fear -- even ourselves.

Mark the date at the bottom, if you will....

With all the furor over the Mayan calendar, it seems our concerns about the End-of-Days has reached another fever pitch. The fact that I’m writing this to you, and ostensibly you’re reading it, tells me that this continues even after the 21st of December, 2012. We see an end to a calendar, we see a major milestone and we fear it. Even though the experts shout, even though they rattle our cage, we’re still quietly (or not so quietly) preparing for everything to end. Personally, I’ve been singing along to REM and Great Big Sea, because if it’s the end of the world as we know it, I feel fine. I want to feel fine.

But I suspect it isn’t over. I suspect we’re just going to keep on spinning. And I have a prediction of my own that in a few months time, the day the world ends will be pushed back (like it’s been before again and again) and we’ll all keep going on living.

Because that’s what we do.

We live.

And maybe scare ourselves a little on the collective zeitgeist.

Signing off until the new year....?
-Angel

(Previously here and here...)

What I’m Reading: Be Here Now. What I’m Drinking: Wheatgrass Juice

So I don’t talk about this a lot—either on the blog or anywhere else. But I am a great big ball of anxiety.

Seriously. I get anxious that they might not have kitfo at the Ethiopian restaurant. I get anxious that I’m failing at all my life goals. I get anxious that I might actually die a crazy old cat lady like I keep threatening to do. I can’t read about global warming in the news anymore because a single dire statistic about the ice caps will keep me up for three nights straight.

For most of my life, I accepted this as my fate. But when I turned 30, I decided that anxiety would be a thing of my 20’s. That and low-rise jeans and pizza fries (I really miss pizza fries). So for the past few years, I’ve been actually trying to do something about my anxiety.

I’ve found exercise helps a lot. Especially yoga, but also spin, running, weightlifting—anything difficult enough to take me out of my head and into my body. Listening to happy music on the subway instead of my usual angsty soundtrack is surprisingly effective, too. So was my therapist, until he broke up with me. Long story.

I’ve also been reading a certain amount of self-help (ashamed as I am to admit it). Most of it is centered around managing anxiety and being in the moment. So with that in mind, I picked up Remember: Be Here Now by Ram Dass. I’d heard a lot about this book. I knew people for whom reading it was its own spiritual awakening. I wanted to see if I could experience that.

Maybe I’m not spiritually developed enough, though. Because I just…didn’t get it. The first section was a fairly interesting story of the author’s own spiritual journey. Then there was about a hundred pages of what looked like notebook doodling of pithy sayings and symbols. I wanted things that were more specific. I wanted instruction.

 But the instruction I got didn’t really feel like it fit me. There were a few things about meditation—but there was also a lot about things like renunciation (which I don’t really believe in) or finding a guru (which isn’t exactly what I’m looking for). I think the problem, for me, is that it’s a bit too spiritual and not practical enough.

I need suggestions that are based in reason. Maybe I’m more of a self-help person than a spiritual person after all—unless you’re allowed to count poetry as worship. Then I could totally call myself religious.

As for what I’m drinking: wheatgrass juice. It’s not exactly tasty, but it’s good for you. Somehow. At least, that’s what people keep telling me. And I’m going to go with that.

Cupcake: Great Big End

Going with my theme for the next little while, I'm sharing with you one of the greatest REM covers ever by one of the (IMHO) greatest Canadian bands ever. Heck, "great" is part of their band name.

This is Great Big Sea performing "End of the World (as we know it)."

And this is the tonal version I fell in love with:

Is it just me, or is this actually faster than the REM version? And why do I get the feeling that Great Big Sea is going joyfully into whatever comes next?

Yeah, I love this song and I love this band.

I'll get back to you with final thoughts Monday next week. (It's relevant, I promise.)
(Previously on "This Devious Mind"...)

Going back to an Old Read: Wyrm

Alright, so imagine you’re back in 1999. That’s how long ago it was I last read this book. But, this book was one of the most formative to my college self. While I was a table-top gamer, I had only been introduced to MMOGs and in particular MMORPGs and all the rest through AOL text chats. There, it wasn’t so much a formal game as a bunch of folks - like me - who had fun creating characters around each of our log in names. You described your characters in text - a red-haired half-elf with decidedly human ::clears her throat:: attributes, a silver dragon man, a green skinned orc. You described what you were doing. You interacted verbally with other people. You learned to type like the wind or get left behind.

Ahh, the good old days. Back then, things like Everquest and World of Warcraft were only beginning to become the behemoths they would prove to be.

It was also when the “Y2K bug” concerns were coming to a fever pitch. Computers were out to get us. They would start a nuclear war or crash and leave our economy burned all because of some lazy 70s programming. (Gee, this sounds familiar, doesn’t it?) Or that mysteriously, the Julian Calendar turning the 2 Millenial mark would bring about the end of the world. (The end of a calendar bringing some unknown end of the world... still sounding familiar....).

So, it’s with current events at heart, I decided to dive back into the world of Wyrm (not to be confused with the World of Warcraft, although I believe they might be mentioned in homage).

This book I would still recommend, although it’s hard for me to do it justice by describing it. As basic as I can make it though, the premise is that there’s a virus infecting systems and our hero has to save the world by entering the computer realm.

You’ve heard this story before? Well, not like this.

Sure, it REEKS of the 1990s, but it’s AWESOME. I mean Schrodinger’s Cat is personified (?!), there’s a VR chair, and some SWEET 1990s era hackers.

Go. Read it. And enjoy.

And enjoy a tankard of Dwarven ale or a pint of Elven mead while you’re doing it, would you?

Cupcake of the Week: Bruno Mars & THE LITTLE MERMAID

If, like me, you were a kid in the 80s and 90s then you'll have heard this song many times. You may have sung this song into your hair brush. I did. While playing dress up and dancing around. Pretty much exactly like this gif. My family had Sebastian's reaction-- "Oh, Holy Hannah in a hoop skirt-- there she goes again!"

Anyway, when I heard this the other day I couldn't stop smiling. Happy Wednesday!

Sometimes I'd Rather Watch Kittehs Doing Cute Things Online...Than Anything Else.

I don't know what it is about cute, adorable kitties...but they are fluffy little productivity vampires. Invite one in, and they all come trooping over my digital threshold--and before I know it, it's six o'clock and I have done nothing productive for the last hour. I sometimes have to turn on Freedom  (I would get nothing done without Freedom) just to escape them.

But who would want to escape them? Look. Just LOOK. Awww!!!

What I'm reading: Book ADD Edition

Ok first, first I need to share this with you. OMG! I am still laughing. I'm laughing so hard there will be typos. Oh, Jon Snow. Oh, CW. Oh, why has no one done this before? And where is my copy of A Feast for Crows? I seriously need to get back to Westeros. Pronto!



Next, as this title implies I'm a bit scattered with my reading lately. This is because at the moment I am working my way through a LOT of books for work. Books that won't be published until next year. Books that are so bloody fantastic it is impossible not to list them all right now. In this blog post. I won't. You see, I always feel a bit torn about writing about these books so far in advance. On one hand, I'm a passionate reader, if I love what I'm reading (and I do, I really really do!) I cannot wait to share. On the other . . . it seems almost cruel to tell you what I'm reading when it might not come out for another year or two.

So, with that in mind, I'm going to be taking a bit of a cop out this week. I'm not going to tell you what I'm reading. Instead I'm going to tell you what I should be reading. I should be reading A Feast for Crows. I promised the lovely Jenny that I would read both this and A Dance With Dragons this year. It was one of those New Year's Resolutions. Wine was involved.

I've kind of failed on that front. I'm a big fan of A Song of Ice and Fire, I got to interview George RR Martin for work earlier this year (I know, I know, ignore my name dropping, its so tacky! I am ashamed. But it happened. It was awesome. My inner fan girl was like-- AHAHAHA, but my outer professional was all like: So, can you tell us about the inspiration behind . . ..)

I loved A Storm of Swords so much. I read it last year. I read the first three books in the Song of Ice and Fire back to back in a breathless rush. I couldn't stop myself. And then I got to the end of the third book. I'm not going to spoil this for anyone. But stuff happens. Stuff happens that made my husband look at me (there might have been tears) and declare I take a little break from Westeros.

And I have. But, I'm missing Westeros like crazy. I miss Westeros like penguins miss being known for being assholes, and not tap dancing freaks. I seriously love penguins.

So, what I should be reading is A Feast for Crows. And maybe, this Christmas, I'll put on my big girl reading glasses (oh yeah, I now need reading glasses) and return to Westeros. Because people, guess what: Winter is Here!

Now Leaving the Friend Zone...

I love the Vlog Brothers. Really, I got introduced to them through Genn. (Thanks, Genn!). They are funny, nerdy, kiind of adorable, and they talk about all kinds of things, from economics to life to dating.  Specifically:

When I was in college, I clawed my way out of the Friend Zone, bloody-cuticled and wounded, and into a relationship with that erstwhile "friend." It went great for a long while. (Until it didn't. Which tends to be how these things go.) So I know it can be done.

However. I will say that now, when I have someone else in that zone...I've never changed my mind about that person. They are in the Friend Zone for a reason. It's not a reason I would ever tell them, so I say things like they mention in the video: "I wish I could find someone just like you!" and that old chestnut, "I don't want to ruin our friendship with sex!"

Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't try to get out of the Friend Zone again (even though I've done it before). No. I am in the Friend Zone for a reason. Not a reason my "friend" would ever tell me--and I shouldn't try to make them. But a legitimate reason. Sticking around someone who doesn't like you is waaaay harder than finding someone who appreciates you for who you are--and has no problem "ruining" your friendship by making it a romance. The best significant others, after all, are both friends and lovers--and neither side of that equation is negotiable.

Scared Snotless

So, this is making the rounds right now:

http://www.hlntv.com/article/2012/11/28/ghost-elevator-prank-brazil-tv-show?hpt=hp_t3

I’d like to say I have something serious to say about this involving schadenfreude, but honestly I don’t know what to say. It kinda involves two of my wet-my-self level fears: a malfunctioning elevator and creepy “ghost” children.  

I don’t know about you, but the only chuckles I get from this are nervous titters, even knowing it’s a prank. More like heart pounding and whimpering in a corner.



I watched this waiting for someone to keel over from a heart attack. There are a couple of responses that were pretty close to what I’d have. But as my SO brought up: Why didn’t any one try to strike out? It’s very clear that there is a lot of fight-or-flight happening here, and since no one can get away (being that they’re locked in the elevator), it would seem that it was only a matter of time before someone lashes out instead of curling themselves in a small ball and screaming (or wetting themselves). He reminded me of the last time we went to a fun house/ haunted house and I ended up going toe-to-toe with the guy that jumped out at me wearing a werewolf mask.



I’ve given it some thought. Real ghosts (whether you believe in them or not) versus pranks, if you believe that what you’re seeing is … well... incorporeal, perhaps the fight or flight takes that into account. In a fun house or a haunted house where you’re paying to go in and get scared, you know you’re not really in any danger. You know that there are people behind the masks and the gore paint. You can “fight” because there’s someone to fight. But with something your mind has convinced you is isn’t solid or there or possible, what’s the point in lashing out. You can’t touch it, you can only get away. Add to that the fact that your elevator has just seemingly gone on the blink.... I think you get the picture.

Of course, this has never stopped me before from trying to pull something like this over on someone else. I love a good ghost story and I love scaring others with a properly told tale and a well timed sound or sight gag. It is more fun when you’re in on the scare than when you’re the one being scared.



What do you think?