What Acting Taught Me About Rejection

I’ve been querying my first novel for a little while now. So far, the response has been good: three requests for manuscripts out of about fifteen queries. Out of those three requests, so far, I’ve got two rejections. One of them just came in today. 

Of course, I had the obligatory freak-out this morning when I saw the email in my inbox from the agency that requested my manuscript. 

“Nope!” I declared over email to Genn and Angel. “Nope, I won’t look at it. Won’t peek! Not til later, with wine in hand and boyfriend massaging my shoulders.”

And then I got over it, and read it. Yep, it was a rejection. The agent did kindly give some feedback, which I massively appreciated. But, of course, I wanted her to love my book. I wanted excitement, thrills, compliments. I wanted a yes. That’s not what I got. Most of the time in life, that’s not what I get.

Rejection and I are on really, really comfortable terms. I’m an actress as well as a writer. Which means there are two whole realms where I have opportunities for rejection on a massive scale. 

When you get rejected as an actor, it’s not about some artistic work that's outside of yourself. It’s about you as a person—how you look, how you behave, how you walk into a room. Acting—especially for things like commercials—is less about playing a constructed character and more about being the most distilled version of yourself that you can be. And you’d better hope the casting people like that version. Especially in the commercial arena, if you’re decent enough at the sheer craft, they reject you because you’re just not enough of the type that they’re looking for. Your “you” is just not what they want.

Which sometimes leads me to wonder whether I'm actually believable as a human being.

This week I did two auditions. I probably won’t get cast in either of them. I’ve had what I felt were fantastic auditions and not gotten so much as a callback. I’ve poured my heart out in rooms where the auditioners were eating lunch and gazing at their iPhones. I’ve been met with a curt “thanks” and no eye contact. I’ve gotten passed over for commercials, voiceovers, plays, indie films…pretty much every kind of acting project there is, I have gotten not cast in it.

But I’ve also gotten cast--kind of a lot, especially in the past year. There’s a “yes” hidden in every big pile of “no’s” I come up against. Which is why it’s so important to just move on. To do an audition, and then immediately start thinking about the next one. 

I like to be a shark. Sharks have to keep swimming, or they can’t breathe and they die. I keep swimming.

Yup...that's me.

I've been handling deeply personal rejection on a more-or-less weekly basis since getting into acting--and if I can cope with that, I can cope with rejection in this area, too. That’s not to say it doesn't hurt, though. I think what's going to get to me the most is the brief flash of hope--you know, the one that goes "OMG MY LIFE COULD CHANGE!!!" just before opening an email. Because a letdown from that hope can be a painful thing, even if it's just momentary. 

But still. When I opened the email, I was ready for a devastating emotional response. Instead, what I felt was this:

Oh. Look at that. Someone's taking a pass on my work. Biiiiig surprise. NEXT.

And then I sent out five more query letters. Because that's what sharks do.

2013: the year that almost broke me

2013 was a big year of almosts for me. In some ways those almosts really almost broke me. Which sounds silly thinking about it now. This good thing almost happened. This really exciting thing almost happened. And didn't. It's silly because let's be honest, how lucky was I to be so fortunate to have such great things almost happen? Yeah, they didn't happen. But, in some respects it was getting to that almost stage that was the real achievement. Toward the end of 2013 I was beginning to lose my perspective on how far I'd come. How important my journey had been. How much I had achieved. All I could see was this big pile of almosts. This getting down to being the runner up in my own life. All these goals that I had come within a yard of making and faltered in the last few feet. Much like the lovely Juliette Barnes, I had my runner up face, my game face, down. In 2013 the biggest lesson I learnt was how to smile big to hide a bigger sadness.

I'm smiling because even when I don't win I'm fabulous.

Needless to say, it wasn't a good place to be. I fretted. I moaned far too much to Angel, Jenny and my poor suffering husband. I was terrible to be around. I put on my game face and got through the day and then at night I would cry. A lot. I had a bout with depression. In short, 2013 very nearly defeated me. If I had taken my 1984 test*, I am sure I would have failed. For the first time since 2005. 

If the year had ended with just these big almosts in the good column I might have lost all perspective. All focus on everything. I could have very easily gotten lost in my own misery.

But in the last few days of 2013 I almost lost someone very close to me. That almost was the one that broke me. After spending a holiday in and out of hospitals and welcoming the new year with a very firm understanding of just how fragile life is, I felt for the first time in a long time that I got it.

Almost is set up to test you. Almost is there to remind you just how much you want something. It's there to make you reach out and pull those you love close to you. It's the word that reminds you to call your parents more. Tell people you love them more. Almost is your reminder that no matter where things are right now they can always be better or a lot worse.

Almost is not just a word; it's a place. A waiting room. A hospital. It's the distance from one end of a phone to another. Almost is heartbeat. Almost is an ache deep in your chest. Almost is all the tears you hold back because you can't let them go. Almost is hope so big and bright it burns like a bonfire.

I'm not going to go into exactly what happened because that's a bit too personal. But let's just leave it at this: for the first time in a year I woke up. After a year of allowing the positive almosts to break me, it took one big, "this can't be happening, oh God, this can't be happening" almost to save me. To remind me to be grateful for the incredible things I am lucky enough to have. To give me the clarity to reach out to those people I love and hold them close. Closer then I have for far too long. To remind them that I love them. That even if they do the most insane things, I still love them and only want what's best for them.

2013 was a year of almosts. A year of possibilities. I am grateful now for the almosts in my life. For the ability to hope and dream. For the reminder to hold my family and friends close and to say all the things I never get around to saying. Because almost is better then too late.

*My 1984 test is based on my re-reading of the classic Orwell novel. When I read the book as a teenager I couldn't understand how the Winston, the narrator, accepts the totalitarian regime. How he allows himself to be a cog in the propaganda factory. I cheered when he realised that there was a bigger cause worth fighting for. I sobbed at the end when . . . well, you know. When I read the book again in my early 20s while working at my first office job I had a completely different opinion. I couldn't fathom why Winston would want to make waves and give up his decent (albeit soul crushing) life for the promise of something better. I decided after that re-reading of 1984 that if I was in a place where I believed Winston made the wrong decision in his life by trying to fight for change I was in trouble. I'm due for a re-read of 1984 later this year which I'll blog about. 

Saying Goodbye (And Thanks!) to 2013

30 wasn’t an easy birthday for me. At that point in my life, I had a few drafts of novels that were in no way ready to be shown around, no acting career to speak of, no writing career (aside from the day job, which I’m eternally grateful for), and I was feeling pretty down on myself. I had this idea about what I should reasonably have accomplished by the age of 30 (which hadn’t changed since I was a teenager)—and it was pretty much everything.

And I wasn’t down on myself just because I’d failed to tick off all the important boxes by this age. I was upset because I just didn’t see myself actually being the person I wanted to be. The person who set a goal and rocked it. At that point in my life, there was pretty much zero rocking of things going on.

A good friend of mine who’s in his 40’s told me that your thirties is the decade where you become that person you kept trying to be in your 20’s. I didn’t feel that optimistic about that back then. 2013 was the first year where I finally started to feel like he might be right.

This was a great year for me. My acting career is moving—I got a ton of work last year, finally (!!) after struggling for years. Nothing big and high-profile, but all stuff I’m proud of and excited about. (Plus, I finally have an acting website I’m psyched about).

Even better, though, I finally have an agent-ready novel. (Well, mostly ready. I still have to rewrite a couple scenes and tweak the ending and GAHHH THE WORK IS NEVER DONE!!!). But I’m making final tweaks and getting it out by the end of January. I’ve already sent out a few preliminary emails and got a full manuscript request. (Eek + Woot!!)

Most of my goals for the new year involve novels: I want to get a second novel agent-ready and write a first draft of a new one by the end of the year, in addition to trying to land an agent for the first. Acting is going strong; I’d like to book more work and get involved in some fun creative projects. And poetry! I want to finally write those two chapbooks I keep promising.

Plus, there’s the little issue of that half-marathon my drunk self committed me to before my sober self could have any say.

So it’ll be a busy year. Hopefully one full of creative fulfillment, success, friends and family.

Happy New Year!

We're Back!

Well, we fell off the grid there for a bit at the end of 2013. Something about NaNo and word counts and then December. Let's blame it on the egg nog or better yet, mulled wine! Or my annual trip home to New York. I find it very hard to blog when I'm catching up with family, friends and marathoning whatever TV show I somehow I missed. (Guys, did you know about this show called Ray Donovan? It's so bad it's good!) But all that was so 2013.

Fresh off our annual wine fueled reunion writing retreat over New Year, we are happy to be back in the blogging saddle. Jenny, Angel and I have had a writing retreat over Christmas break every year since 2009. Ever since uni, we've been writing, editing, and chatting about all things bookish, pop culture, fangirlish and fascinating. Whenever an email pings into my mailbox from Jenny or Angel, I know I'm going to get an update on something brilliant. From books I have to read, articles that make me think, YouTube videos that make me laugh or sometimes even cry, arguments about which relationships in Game of Thrones to Ship (Brienne and Jamie Lannister and don't get me started on the loss of the great Khal Drogo!). So, this year, we decided we'd carry that conversation over to the blog in our own way. With less structured content, some proper fangirling out and even some more serious posts. Pretty much, think of this as our email to you of all things interesting on the internet.

This year you can find new posts from us every Tuesday and Thursday. I'll be blogging something relating to my new work in progress, querying, getting fit (I'm training for a half-marathon this year with Jenny!), what I'm reading, all things YA and mythological, a rant or two I'm sure will make an appearance over the course of the year and of course my general fangirlness. How have I not written about Emma Approved yet? I feel a blog post might be in the very near future. Anyway, you can find new blog posts from me every Tuesday. Jenny will be blogging on Thursdays. And Angel will be popping in from time to time to tell you all about what's going on in her life, writing and reading.

We'll even have some read along (and re-reads) later in the year. Oh Jericho Barrons how I've missed you!

But for now, I have to clean my flat. Nothing says, "my flat is a tip" quite like being on holiday for three weeks. Sigh.

See you all next week.

Our NaNo in Gifs

So this year, we're Gif-ing NaNo in addition to writing for it. Hilarity will ensue! Check out our Cupcakes and Karma tumblr for our latest progress. Which, no doubt, will include sobbing under desks and copious amounts of wine.

Somehow, NaNo inspires me to drink by myself. Kiind of a lot.

Don't worry. You will be!

My Five Stages of NaNoWriMo

First, HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I hope your days are filled with pumpkin everything and chocolate most things and more treats than tricks!

I've been asked a few times: "Are you doing that whole crazy novel in a month thing again?" NaNoWriMo? Yes.

So this year, despite my life being insanely chaotic I'm doing NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month-- I'm going to call it NaNo from here on out because it's so much easier!). Jenny's post yesterday sums up pretty much exactly why I NaNo most years. I would add that usually November is a quiet month for me, but this year, Holy Hannah in a Hoop Skirt, it's a mental one.

I'm going into this process with a major time crunch throughout the month, a lot of evening events for work, holiday (yes yes yes!) and in general more commitments then I would normally take on while attempting to write this much in a month. However, it's been the kind of year that really needs a good kick in the pants and the best way to do that is to win at NaNo. I won't have a publishable book at the end of this month. I repeat I won't have a publishable or even very good book at the end of this month.This is my note to NaNo-ers, you might be able to write 50k in a month, but that is rarely an entire book and unless you are the 1% of writers who can pull off a first draft kissed by the gods, it won't be a good draft. It is not ready to send out to agents and publishers. It will need a full revision which will take you (I should think) more than a month to complete. For me, I know won't even have a full manuscript (about half a book, probably) and that book will need a serious rewrite. But what I will have is something that shows my dedication to improving my craft. Because NaNo is all about the writing, even if it at times it is terrible. It's about getting your butt in the chair for a solid month and creating something. It's about putting the writing first. I can't argue with that.

If you want to follow my progress or be my buddy (a girl can use more buddies!) then you can do so clicking the widget below.

Jenny and I will also be gif-ing out way through NaNo over on the brand new Cupcakes and Karma Tumblr which you can visit by clicking here. You can also Tweet me (@gennmcmenemy), if you want to let me know how you're doing. This year I'm writing a romance loosely set in Ancient Rome (in my mind its all about Romans and Revolutionaries) Angel has dubbed it-- "Centurions, Lions, Revolutionaries and Roman Hooters". It should be good fun and I doubt in the end any of those words will be accurate in describing this book.

Let us know if you are NaNo-ing. We'd love to hear how you get on!

My Five Stages of NaNoWriMo

1. Insane Joy

This is going to be the best thing ever! I'm going to spend a month writing like a fiend and it will all pay off. I'm going to write the best book ever! (Days 1-5)

2. Crushing Overwhelming Terror

Why am I doing this again? I can't plot my way out of a paper bag. Zombies! Zombies will fix any plot holes. What do you mean there were no zombies in Ancient Rome!! (Days 6-15)

3. Despair

I'm so over this whole NaNo thing. I mean, it's not as if this novel writing month was my only shot at proving to myself I can do this. I can do this. Oh God, I CAN'T DO THIS! Give me wine and a desk to sob under!  (Days 16-20)

4. Rally

You know what, I do this every year and SOMEHOW I manage to win. It's time to rally. Because this can't be the year I lose. It just cant be. I am so not doing this next year. (Days 21-25)

5. Zombie-Style Relief

This is the homestretch. I can wrtie 2k a day for the next five days. Eat. Sleep. Work. BRRAIIINSSS. I mean WORDS. I mean BRRAIINNSSS! No, definitely WORDS. Brains are far too chewy. 

And finally, that sweet sweet victory!

Welcome to November.

Why I NaNo

For anyone who doesn’t know, National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo, or “NaNo” for short) is a yearly event that challenges writers to write a 50,000-word novel in one month. It’s a nonprofit organization, thousands of people do it each year—and it has both its supporters and its detractors.

Some people claim that trying to write 50,000 words in a month is too fast—that people inevitably care more about quantity than quality, and NaNo’s main effect is the production of a lot of bad writing that’s then sent off to agents way too soon. There’s also the point that 50,000 words isn’t a novel—it’s half a novel. The NaNo organization tries to get you to feel like you accomplished something by finishing the challenge—it will even print your“book” for you if you do the allotted words in the allotted time.  Personally, I think that's really premature.

And yet I do NaNo, and I support it. Here’s why.

First, NaNo is a tool. Like any other writing tool, what you get out of it depends on how you use it. It isn’t bad or good in and of itself.  Sure, you can go around claiming you “finished a book” after completing the challenge. But really, finishing 50,000 words of your novel is only a tiny fraction of the work you need to do in order to get it agent-ready. A lot of writers know this. I don’t believe it’s a good way to get a finished book in a month. But I do think it’s a great way to kick-start a new draft.

Second, there is no “right way” to write a novel. Different methods work for different people. There may be a few geniuses out there who have produced amazing work at NaNo that needs little editing. I doubt there are many. But who am I to tell them their work is crap just because they wrote it during NaNo?

I’ve done NaNo every year for the past four years. I do it with friends, and so far, every year I’ve completed the challenge. This year, I almost decided not to do it. Mainly because of the time commitment and the fact that I currently have four novels in various stages of edit that are more of a priority.

But I changed my mind—because my friends and I came up with a new way to use NaNo this year. We’re all committed to writing novels that have strong romance components—yet we all feel that our romance threads in previous drafts haven’t lived up to what we hoped for. This may be because we keep trying to do too many things with our drafts. They’re romance, but they’re also fantasy. With a historical component. And zombies. You get the drift.

So this year, we’re all writing romances for NaNo. Just romance. Some of it is fan fic. All of it is going to be really, really simple. No zombies, no vampires, no complications. And personally, I’m not going to go nuts trying to meet the 50,000-word mark this year, because I’m also going to be editing an old project and querying another old project while I do this. If this NaNo goes well, I’ll get some much-needed practice in honing my ability to write romance. If it goes amazingly well, I’ll get a draft of a story I’ll actually want to finish and query eventually. But I’m not going to be bothering any agents with my NaNo story come December 1. Because for me, that’s not what NaNo is for.